I just finished 2 out of 4 papers due this month, so I am feeling less pissed and crazy and gross, and more releaved. Weird how all those feelings emerge when I am really just stressed and lazy.

I am going to CA this weekend! Hurray, kind of. Not super excited, mostly because I have two research projects due when I get back.  My dad is turning 60 though, and this will be my first Thanksgiving with both sides of my family (thanks to my sister having the party!).

Sara, Holli, and Pappas are in town, so you know I am excited for that. I think I am really just over flying there, and over it in general. But! this is the last time I am going back, probably till summer, so I guess I should make the most of seeing my family and having good stores around.

I am excited for 2013. If we make it, fingers crossed. I have 2 conferences coming up! I am going to finish my thesis/have a MA. I am going to teach again, which will be awesome, now that I know what I am doing. I  have so many work plans for next year! It is going to be great.

I also really like my house, social life, and Gainesville right now. I mean, in the 1 1/2 years I have lived here,  I have never not loved it, so that is going well.

Usually this time of year I have a huge list of things I want to change or fix (RESOLUTIONS!), and right now I just have plans to continue to do what I am doing/enjoy it more. Thats a good feeling. I hope it stays forevaaaaaahh

... but to continue on with tradition here is a list:

1. Finish MA, start PhD.
2. Send 2 articles in for publication
3. Be amazing at conferences
4. Start work on new research projects
5.Work on Girl Land
6. Save Money
7. Paint my house
8. Finish that stack of books.
9. Continue to be active and healthy.
10. Get the guts to cut my hair

Sounds pretty good to me.

ok

I am feeling much better. I have CLEANED a lot today. I feel more in control of my personal space. .

Today I cleaned out my car, first time in a year. I did 4 loads of laundry, hurray! I am about to go to the grocery store, food! And I am going to grade and do some crafting tonight. Sometimes I have to frantically clean, organize, AND BE ALONE,  to feel ok. And thats ok.

Also, I got into that conferences! Yay me.

the angriest post of them all.

I am throwing a fit because I forgot that sometimes learning life lessons SUCKS.

First of all, last night was awesome. We played a great show. After,  I had people over at my house, and we order pizza. I am not a neat freak or anything, BUT I do follow the logic that you treat others houses how you would want someone to treat your own. This  drunk girl, that I am acquaintances with laid on my couch and dropped pizza all over, didn't tell me or clean it up, and when she left I found pizza all over my couch, and her greasy paper towel in the cushion. Ok. How old are we? I am not her mom, I am not some 18 year old idiot, I am an adult with nice things, and I get so frustrated when people are so clueless.  This other guy got ashes all over my floor, and put his shoes on my couch. WHAT WORLD IS THIS. So fucking pissed.

I think the lesson I am slowly learning, is that I am tired of being everyones mom. Of taking care of them. Of cleaning up after peoples actual and emotional messes. I just don't want to. I now know I am never letting certain people or people i don't know into my personal space. It makes me anxious and mad.

Second.  I am again learning that I can't hold anyone, not even my "closest friends" to my expectations. Why do I invest in anyone, if they will always let me down? If you suck, then I am over you.

k.

I am feeling really good today, and I will now tell you why:

1. I have been working on this submission for a conference. I finished it yesterday, but I have been feeling a bit insecure about it. I wasn't sure if it was good or not, obviously that is why I was insecure. I showed it to one of my committee members/mentor and he said it was perfect, and great, and he loves me. Well the first two are true. I always doubt my work, but then it is always better than I think! So that is awesome.

2. I submitted it! I will find out soon if I am accepted! Fingers crossed.

3. I had my other committee member/department chair/ mentor come evaluate the class I teach. I was so nervous, and the students threw some tough questions out I was not expecting. I didn't get to see her after the class let out but she sent me this

 "I thought you were amazing!  You are one of the best discussion facilitators I've seen!  What that means to me is that you were able to take their comments and pull out the aspects that contributed to the larger discussion.  It also means that you were asking good questions.  You had very effective responses to some of the more "off target" (wrong) comments.  You gently pointed out what was wrong about the answer and leaving their self concept intact.  The number of students who participated was really large.  This suggests that they feel comfortable commenting -- they're not worried about you or their classmates jumping on them.  You also have a nice sense of humor that came through at appropriate places.  I loved your class!  It went by really fast! "

OMG RIGHT!

4.  I just sent one of my idols a link to my Girl Land blog, and asked her to review it. A little ballsy, but hey I am feeling real good!

So you can see why I am feeling good today! Hurray for me! I should read my horoscope and see whats up.

shmessons

There are a few lessons that I continue to learn.
1. Stop having expectations of others, they can never meet them.
2. Whenever you feel mature and "passed it," you're not. You( I) are still naive, learning, and lost.
3. Getting older is always better.
4. Never forget that you are always probably going through a phase.
5. Everything you want you can have, you just have to get out of your way.

Being drunk is so fun on the internet. Also, I made pumpkin spice cookies. Drunk.

love it.

Sometimes it feels like everything is on the verge of colapsing. I sit in my bed and think, "how can I sustain it all?!" Even though I have been doing this for over a year now, I still worry as to how I can ever possibly do all this work by its deadline. But somehow it gets done, and I don't die, or get kicked out of school. Especially this semester, with way more responsibility, I constantly feel like I am about to fall off a cliff into a sea of my worst fears. Something will go wrong, out of my control, and I will be kicked out of school. This is so unbelievably irrational. I work so hard, and get shit done, but I always fear that I am one step away from dropping the ball. If I could have some wishes, one would be for all of this anxiety and fear to be gone and I would just float around like a phat no worry princess.

hurrah

I got my period. I got my period while I was eating fudge off my finger, telling my cat not to judge me. Such a craaaazy world.

Merr

Today was sooo whack. I think I am getting my period, fingers crossed.My go-to signs:
I...
A. feel depressed
B. feel paranoid
C. feel like my brain is mush.

My brain is probs mush from all this work anyway. I am like swimming in work, and I am in the middle of the big phat ;) ocean. I am going to chalk it up to, "one of those days." Tomorrow will be better, right? Maybe it is because I lectured on Marx this morning with NO caffeine, or because I helped Scott move, or because I took the wrong credits, and now I wont have my masters till after summer, whatevs it maybe, this day can SUCK IT.

bye.

omg

I havent been on here in so long! I have been so busy sleeping and prepping classes, that I have forgotten to tell myself via blog what i have been doing. Let me catch me + you up.

1. School is awesome. I love teaching, but I have never worked so hard in my life.
2. I am always about to start analyzing my interviews, and then some other school related thing happens! It will be done!
3. I got into a conference, so I wont die now.
4. Scott is awesome and we are in love, still.
5. Heart burgs is going sooo well! We have only played 3 shows, and everyone is in love with us! my dreams! everyone in love with me.
6. I ordered my halloween costume, it is going to be this:

7. I am going to CA in Nov for Thanksgiving and my Dads 60th bday. Can't wait to be stood up by my friends, and eat goldfish crackers. But for reals, Sara and Holli will be back in LA so we will kiss and I will be happy. Oh and Pappas forever.
8. I have officially lost 13-15 pounds, so give it up to me!
9. I decided not to cut my hair.
10. hmm nothing else I guess.
k, bye.

I had to extend my trip home for 2 more weeks. I have a bunch of medical stuff that has to be done, and I am super bummed. I want to go home soon. I miss my bed and my life. I am having a nice time with my family, but I miss my life there. Scott and I will be here till August 15th, this will give me a whole 5 days to prep for my class. GREAAAAAT! Fuck.  I hope he remembers to bring my work stuff, so I can at least get some work done here. Anyway, Scott is coming in on the 30th, which I am so excited for. I miss him more than anything.  Between sulking over my doctors appointments, and yelling at everyone over my cramps, I have a fun filled 2 weeks planned. Lots of beach and museums and hiking.

Speaking of Scott, we just had our one year anniversary! Hurray! Love that boy. I think I love him more than I ever thought possible to love someone. Soooo uh cool.

I also lost 8 pounds!

I played my first show as Annie and The Heart Burglars, last night. We were super good! Too bad we opened for a million other bands, or in other words, started at 8:50. I am really glad a lot of my friends came, but I can't tell you how awkward it is, trying to channel Beyonce, when your only audience is your 10 friends staring at you.  We were good though, so that counts. When I get back from CA we are going to record, and play some mo.

Oh yeah, I am going to CA next week for 3 weeks. I can't wait to lay on my mom and dad. While there I also am doing like a doctor marathon/crusade/tour de fran/thing, where I see every doctor possible while I am home with insurance. I have had this cray cray bump in my arm for 2 years, finally they are going to take that bitch out. I am also going to get new glasses that are not scratched and do not fall off my face. I still have to transcribe while I am there, fuuuuuck, but at least I can do it spread eagle on my moms couch, eating M &M's. Oh, and I am excited to see some frieeeends.  It is interesting/funny/weird/boring though, everytime I am about to leave for a range of time, I start missing my house, cat, friends, and Scott. I like try to hug all of them. At least Scott is coming the last week! Hurray he gets to meet Nana!

oneyear.

Today is my one year anniversary of moving to Gainesville! It is crazy how much changes in one year. It is also a testament to allowing change and your passions to lead your life. Before moving here a number of people, including myself, were trying to convince me to stay in California, that Florida would not fit, and I would mostly likely move back. On the contrary, because I moved anyway, despite my fear, I am the most content and fulfilled I have ever been! I have accomplished so much I cant even believe it. Let's look at my life before and after.

Last year:
1. Working at a job I  didn't love
2. broke
3. in and out of a unfulfilling relationship
4.  in and out of anxiety and mild depression
5. 10 pounds heavier
6. living in a expensive apartment in the valley
7. partying to much
8. playing in a band I didn't write the music for.
9. afraid to take chances
10. not doing my passion

Now:
1. Getting paid to TEACH SOCIOLOGY!
2. Not as broke, considering living expenses here
3. So inlove<333
4. anxious, but excited.
5. Healthier
6. Living in my dream apartment, with my little baby cat.
7. Great friends after only 1 year!
8. Playing my own shows
9. Pushing myself in my career. In one year I am half way done with my thesis, preparing my very own sociology course, writing for a number of online blogs ( and seeking more), and submitting MY WORK to conferences
10. Advancing as an adult person.


I dont want it to sound like LA sucks, because I also love my friends, family, the city. But for me as a person, because I moved here anyway, my life has changed astronomically. I moved here afraid and and without a clue of what to expect, and because I came with an open mind, my world changed. I am so thankful everyday  I am here!

<3

My loves.

Today I woke up and went running. I know I surprised myself. While I was running, feeling good, working through the hard stuff in my head, I realized something major. Usually I say what would Beyonce do? Or Bette Midler? or someone other than me. So as I was running, I began to say what would Annie do? Not like lazy Annie now, but the Annie that I want to be! Isn't that genius, what would my ideal self do in any situation? That is my new thing, whenever I feel lazy or worried or scared or mad, I am just going to say what would Annie do, and fucking do it.

How do I make myself get ready for Scott's family thing, when I can already tell this is a grumpy alone time day??

I was just looking through my photo booth pics on my computer, and really its super embarrassing.  I had a plan to do a whole story line or how-to with them, but I am so lazy. Here are my two favorite: poses:

1. "The seductress"

2. The "I want to make creepy love to you."

I would have paid soo much to be an extra in this movie.

home

OMG I just clean the SHIT out of my apt. I poured bleach everywhere and scrubbed. I lost 1000 pounds probs. I am reworking my work space at home. Usually it consists of me spread eagle on my couch with a box of Captain Crunch, but I feel like I might be more efficient if I sat up. I cleaned my kitchen table off, made a space on my counter for office stuff, and made a desk area at my kitchen table.  Scott and I usually eat on it once or twice a month anyway.

I also finally organzing all my clutter. I have a goal to de-clutter my house by 25% this week, and make donations to the Humane Society.

I feel like I hold myself back from growing into an adult, because I still live like a 20 year old undergrad. You know the saying " if you build it, they will come."  I think I will try that. If I build my living environment to be more workable-grownup-whatever, then maybe I will be one!

Anyway,  I am going to campus now to organize my work space there.

obsessed.

I just had lunch with my mentor, and I love her so much. She made me feel less crazy about feeling crazy over my thesis. I am so lucky to have someone like her to guide me through this process. We are going to start working on a publication, using my data. I am so excited to work with her on a project, it should be a great experience working and writing with someone on her level. I also talked to some people in the dept. about Girl Land, and hopefully it will be a big community of writers/researchers soon!! Things are always going well, I just wish i could see it like that more often. I get so stuck in my fear of doing something wrong, that I forget to look up and see everything I have been doing right.

I also think being alone a lot recently has made me negative and awkward. I need to focus on being positive, always, and not playing into or accepting my awkwardness. I feel like I am constantly saying the wrong thing, or being judgmental, and I really need to to let all of that go. Starting now. I also need to go to Zumba, fuck.

I NEED THIS.

I live a really glamorous life.

I am taking a break from transcribing, and I am feeling reconnected with my work. I should be done with my first batch of interviews in a few weeks. I think I have a publication I could make out of the first batch, and I am really excited to work on it, at least a draft of it.  I also went to my office for the first time this summer, and it made me excited...or re excited for what I am doing. Sometimes I need a reminder of how lucky I am to be in the place I am.

Also today was the luckiest thrifting day in the whole world <3

Springs

<3

ALSO...

OMG I AM SO SAD GIRLS IS OVER!!! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH ADAM!!? I LOVE HIM NOW.

So I've been kind of buggin lately, as Susan Miller mentions, my life has been focused this month on family issues, people sick, sad, and some dying, and less on my work which, as Susan Miller mentions, is usually going amazingly well. I feel sort of selfish because I am pissed about this. I am obviously saddened by my mother having surgery, and my Grandma's sister passing away, but I feel like such an asshole that my emails aren't blowing up this month, and that I am not daily feeling like I am on the verge of something career wise.

Miller again is true!  I have sort of been hibernating this month, working from home, focusing more on my family and home situation, way more than usual. I wonder if she knew I would be so burnt out on transcribing. I think going back to CA early is going to be good. Having a month as some sort of real deadline seems to be motivating me. I have 9 more "older women" interviews to transcribe before I leave, and 15 younger women to do when I get there.  I am excited to work on my moms couch, while she knits and listens to Lifetime. I am excited to work on my Dad's office floor, while he does lawyer stuff. I am excited to work on Pappas's face. I think the shift in setting will serve me greatly in my goal of finishing these transcriptions before school starts. I have also been working on my class for the fall. It's weird, I am so excited, but whenever I look at the text book I get super anxious and just want to like hold it and flip through it. I have pretty much structured the class, but daily I am freaking, should I take attendance or not, should I be easy or not, wah wah wah. I swear I could get anxious about anything!

Tomorrow I have another list, but I also think Scott and I are going swimming at the springs! I hope so. I should probably get out of my house. Word.

Don't I look like I am at some sweaty tropical place, like a character from Havana Nights? I am actually in my bed, wearing pajama's under my dress.

Also, I have been laying in my bed, watching Real Housewives of New Jersey, ALL DAAAAY. Teresa is so crazy.

Tomorrow I have to be productive. So much toooo doooo.

best post.

So I got super sick monday night, likely violently throwing up every 2 hours( thanks over the counter meds) Yesterday I felt like I had 1000 flus, so naturally I went to my doctor. Lucky me, I found out my insurance, through the school, was canceled. That $500 I payed for insurance, apparently only works when you aren't sick. So  I went home, took a bath for 10 hours and then fell asleep with some Tylenol PM. Today I feel better, but I just feel so out of it.

I also found out my mom, who was supposed to here this week, isn't coming because she has to have surgery. Apparently she has some cancer looking thing that they are taking out. In other words,  I am having the best week ever.

Scott and I are supposed to fly to L.A at the end of July, but I am going to try and fly out early. I just want sit on my mom and dad and cry like a baby.

Other than feeling home sick, sick in general, and hot as the sun, everything is going good.

Hey friends,
I started another blog,  because that is def what this world needs. It is different from this one, as I am trying to make it my dream child, a hybrid between girl memoir and academic feminism/sociology. I was thinking of cross posting, which who knows what can happen!?! but for now I am just going to link you. I am super stoked on it, soooo great. Hurray. Don't worry my loyal fans, this blog will still be poorly constructed lists of what I have been doing, and other random things I thoroughly enjoy spending my time   thinking/writing.  Like did you guys see last nights Girls!!!? OMG so crazy. Lena Dunham is a genius. I will write something on the last episode today.

http://girllandblog.wordpress.com/

It also has a twitter: Girl_landia


In other sad news, Sara and Holli left last night. I am dying inside of sadness and sudden laziness. But it's Monday, so to ward off these feelings of perpetual loserdom, I am going to be overly productive. Just right now, I am typing this and peeing at the same time!

best week.

What a fun and crazy week! I love love love them! I want to write paragraphs about what happened, but the best I can probably do is a list and photos. Thank god they came to me.

- 4 drunk dance parties
- 3 unfortunate 4lokos drank
- Interviewed one of my favorite artists
- Interviewed another badass and town friend
- Went to a animal/human psychic and avid rock hoarder. Ran around in her literal fairy garden
- 100 bug bites
- Lots of coffee
- Work/slumber parties
- 3 dinner parties
- Spring swimming!

Now we are in my bed, and I already miss them.

<3

my loves.

Just got back from an interview with Sara and Holli. I am having such a wonderful time with my ladies! The interview was so amazing, I never get tired of talking to new women and hearing their stories. I wish I could explain, but I could never give it justice. One day, I will be able to write the emotional experience of connecting with another woman who gets it and is doing it. I can't imagine how insane this roadtrip is for them. I have gone to one of their interviews, and feel amazed,  it must be pretty powerful to meet these women at this level daily. They have 4-5 more interviews while they are here, I am so excited to experience them.

hair.

Love this hair cut, but I'll never do it! I would def not look like that, it would be a curly afro...actually not a bad idea.

Just submitted an essay to Rookie magazine, and a pitch to Bust magazine, based on my research. Fingers crossed!!!

Yesterday was such a good day. I finished a WHOLE interview! Amazing. Wow. Holy Cows.  Then Scott and I went to Lunch/dinner.... supper?  I also bought a new bathing suit, in just a few days my beloved Holli and Sara will be here and we will swim till we are mermaids. Then Scott and I went to Collin's movie night with everybody I like, almost everybody. It was so fun. We watch Pee Wee's Big Adventure and I spent the whole movie blowing my mind b/c it was filmed in my hometown. Note: No one cares about this fact.

 Now we are all ( from last night) going to brunch soon. Its like camp except I get my own bed, and a boy can sleep in it.

ALSO! Mel Kadel,  one of my favorite artists EVER, liked two of my instagrams.  iyiy wowow<3

Wondering what Gainesville summer weekends are like? I'm drunk in my bed, singing Robyn at my itunes list.

June!

Geez! I can't believe it's June!  Thank God. May was rough, Susan Miller you were right about a lot, but May was definitely not my best month (ok it was pretty good). Today has been so productive. I paid my rent and bills, went grocery shopping AND DID NOT BUY BREAD! I cleaned my kitchen, recycled bottles, donated stuff to the thrift store, posted on Etsy, and now I am sitting in my bed procrastinating and eating yogurt.(and its only 1:30!) I WILL transcribe the rest of an interview today. Last month I just could not get into the swing of things. June, be better for all of us, thanks.

Also, another day without make up! Hurray for me and my face ( and good filters that make me look fresh)

<3 

I think this is day 17 or 18 that I haven't gotten ready, like not even brush my hair. I am the one who grocery shops and does errands in make up, so this is some sort of revolution happening in my lazy body.

Last night Scott and I stayed up late making video's for this Fred Armisen's serious movie project. I don't think I could ever go into show business, I just get really impatient, hate everything I make, and then watch it over and over. It was fun 'acting' with Scott. Actually, it was also weird. I guess I see why people are into making movies, I am just not one of them, unless its me doing accents with my mac-face-distorter thing.

!!

Today I had a realization, I will probably never have a random job again. Waitressing, retail, respite, NEVER AGAIN. I signed my contract today for my first class I am teaching, and omg I don't ever have to worry about rent, at least in FL, and omg I don't even need student loans. I feel so unbelievably happy knowing from this day on I will (hopefully) never do anything but teach and research sociology. It's like the feeling of never having to take math again, or never having to sell cd's at Christmas.  I  feel like this is a huge step in  the 'adult benchmark' world.  So hurray for me taking one step closer to being an actual living breathing adult.

lists

Things I DONT love.
1. The first day of my period.( today) I feel like the world is ending in my utters. I meant to put uterus, but it corrected it to utters, that works too.

2. Girls who steal your stories and pretend they are theirs.

3. sweating

4. my insatiable appetite for veggie burgers.

5. people who post bad pictures of me, especially when they think they look good. WHAT ARE THEY THINKING!? DO I LOOK LIKE THAT?!

6. working



Things I love

1. my boyfriend, cat, friends, fam, etc you know this.

2. girls obv

3. rainy florida

4. this ice coffee

5.  working

6. organizing my life over and over

GIRLS

Girls was soooo amazing tonight! I cant stand it!! Lena Dunham is forever my hero<3

I signed up for power yoga tomorrow! My university is awesome, they have free gym classes and access for students, I have just been a fat lazy, so tomorrow I am going. I have been feeling graugish all day. I woke up early and worked for 4 hours, and then I got really tired. I did post a new dress on Etsy, and read, but I feel so much like a slacker. I was reading this other blog's advice on time management, and she has so many great suggestions. The blog suggest listing out your priorities and managing them from there, mine are:

My thesis- transcribing, organizing 

My job- grading, selling on Etsy

My self- stay active, eat well, don't waste my own time,

my boyfriend- kiss him and tell him he's great

my friends.- kiss them and tell them they are great

Other projects- the book, blogging, crafts

Its weird, during the semester I am on this so well, but maybe its the humidity, or the last few weeks I've spent working from my couch, either way I need to lock it up and follow through. 

boook?

This morning I sat down to transcribe interviews, and what came out seems like an intro to a really awesome book. I kind of introduced my work in a way that I think most girls would want to read. It's funny, and interesting, and I am starting to get excited to think about possibly turning my masters and dissertation work into a popular feminist/sociology book/memoir.  I also spent my morning looking up independent feminist publishers, and it seems like there is at least 2 or 3 that would be into it. I am obviously going to write it first, but I am excited. I am really really excited! I think working on this book for the next 4 years is going to be fun and good for me. Plus by the time its ready, I will be a PhD, so I am probably right.

Karin can check my grammar and spelling?

<3

I have been feeling really mixed up lately, and I have been putting a lot of unnecessary energy into people who have/are hurting me. I need to let them go. I need to let anything that points to that situation go. Part of growing up I think might be being okay with peoples shitty behavior, and not internalizing it. Neither one I am doing well, but I am trying!  

I also need to stop counting twitter as human interaction. Its not, it just makes me sad, and not work.  This morning I deleted my twitter. I am going to cut back on internet and focus more on my work, my bf, and my friends. 

I get so lost in my emotions that I forget that I am actually a flesh and blood human that people interact with. When I lose sight of who I am, the things I am doing, and where I am going, I start dwelling on the past and on others lack of empathy. Geez  I could lay in my bed for days thinking about empathy, but it would make me sink and sick. 

 I need to work on not caring about others actions and lives, and focus on my own, at least right now. I know this seems contradictory since my life motto is BE EMPATHETIC, ASSHOLE, but it's true. Maybe if I could walk around with my head up my own ass, my 'self' would be a lot more safe, and what others do wouldn't have so much barring on how my days is. I don't know, I am going to work on it, so we will see what happens.

So, I am singing this with Scott at a Queen tribute night thursday. I am trying to learn this right now, and I am drunk. I've never heard so many woooords in my liiife.

art.

Love this. It reminds me of Scottypoop (and me!).

Guys, I just spent 12 dollars on animal nail stickers. Priorities.

ladies

Here is a photo list of my favorite ladies...inspired by Kristen Wiig leaving SNL.

1. Kristen Wiig.

2. Lena Dunham

3. Beyonce

4. JLew

5. Tina Fey

6. Mindy Kaling

7. Zooey D.

8. Bell Hooks

9. Jessica Valenti

10.Simone

11. Melissa M.

12. DK

13. Flo

drunkgirls.

1.  I woke up before 10! Hurray. Now I am working. I love how that works.

2.

3. Girls was so good last night. What is up with Adam!!? Ugh

4. Kyle and I drank champagne and watched it last night. We decided that's our new thang. Hurray, I don't have to watch it with just my cat. I need to re-watch it. I was druuunk the whole time.

5. I sold my first dress on Etsy! $25 dollars closer to a NY ticket.

6. Look at my collar. I like it. Thanks bye.

<3

lazyfordazies

Last night Taylor and I ate $50 worth of sushi and chinese food, drank sangria, watched Girls, and played with a puppy and some kitties she is fostering. The only thing that would have topped that night off would have been nail polish and shitty magazines. I am doing the same thing tonight (haha) with my friend Kyle. I am going to have seen this show so many times that  I will memorize all the lines. I can act it out like a play.

Today is the 2nd.... wow beginning of 3rd week in a row that I have slept till 11:30. I don't like it. I don't feel productive. Yesterday I did actually wake up early, on accident, and did yes get more work done. I just want to sleep all the time though! Its so conflicting! Especially when you are dreaming that you are an SNL cast member. Now I am back to grading papers (I have to pay my rent!)  I suppose it is better to be busy, answering to someone other than myself, that usually makes me get stuff done. I wish I could look at myself like this other person who is demanding I get my own work done.  Tomorrow I will wake up early. It's Monday! Its like a fresh start! I have a list on my counter, in big black sharpie, of things I need to do. Next week THEY WILL BE DONE...hopefully.


Also, I think I should start categorizing posts. What should this one be called?  Rando's? borings? idk. bye.

grrrls.

As you may have been able to see, there are three things I have been obsessed with lately.
1. Girls
2. Being a girl
3. Robyn's " Dancing on my own"

I wish to make this blog about my experience with number 2, because after watching number 1, reading blogs on my own, and interviewing many many MANY women, I feel I have something to say. I am happy that there seems to be this crazy emergence of depicting and valuing the 20-something experience and all of its crazy ups and downs in realistic ways. I am the first to share an embarrassing, hard, or awesome story in the hopes that someone else can connect, identify, or learn from it,  I know I enjoy it. After reading and watching some of my female heros, I think it is important for me to document my real/honest/raw(gross) feelings, if not for others, then at least for me.

I am feeling much better. I video chatted with some old and great friends of mine ( who I miss!) and went out. I can get so lost in my head sometimes, that it really is essential to have people that can help pull me out of it. I am also probably getting my period, which would explain the crying into the phone.

I love them.

It is hard to describe how unbelievably empty I can feel when I don't have close friends around. I have recently been super down because I feel like, besides Scott and a few of his guy friends, I do not have anyone close to laugh and girltalk with. I really miss my girlfriends, it's so clear why and how girl best friends are so important for a healthy sense of self. I just cried to myself walking home from the coffee shop. I walked through the farmers market, full of smiling best friends, or maybe just people, but I could not enjoy it. Half way home I called Pappas, and just let it all out. It felt like a tidal wave, and so relieving to connect/ hear a voice that  I love so dearly. I need to call everyone more, I am beginning to feel invisible and irrelevant.  I am also sad because I haven't found a close girlfriend in Gainesville, it is so hard! It is probably me, but I just wish I didn't have to put all the effort into it. I want to walk into a group of girls and just have that connection, the "where have you been all my life," I know that has to exist! At least Sara and Holli will be here in a month!

The feelings that come up when you read or watch someone you so readily admire and relate to, are really interesting. I realize today that my female heros are women who so honestly depict their experience, that consequently mirror my own experiences. I've started reading Simone de Beauvoir's memoirs; she writes about her emotional experiences growing older, self discovery, and her relationship to her family and the world around her. Literally every page, my mouth is hanging open with astonishment at her ability to so profoundly write about the cognitive development and experience of growing up female. She is amazing at depicting the anxiety, enjoyment, and disappointment of existing and changing at the same time. As an academic, I feel her experiences so greatly mirror mine, that it is almost like reading a play about my emotional life. I never want the book to end, because the satisfaction I get from reading about another woman with same experience is amazing.

 I also just finished an episode of Girls, and I am so overwhelmed with appreciation for Lena Dunham to have created a show that so honestly depicts the weirdness of being in your 20's, of all the mistakes, and the often contradictory life  experiences that occur in lieu of one's moral self.  I read somewhere that some feminists (which is a title I stand by) are commenting on how in the last episode, all the women used sex to gain power,  however I didn't see that (only after reading their comments did I slightly see).  I think so often people try to analyze or claim meaning to an experience or show or book within the context of some absolute essentialist manner, "this is not feminist because... " "All the women are using sex b/c, " rather than commenting on the fact that maybe this is an actual account into the often muddy grey zone young women find themselves in. We can't always keep our guard up, eagerly playing out the moral code of feminism, or some religion, or at least political correctness, women  and life are much more complex then that, and the second we try to essentialize the experience, we lose the point. To me it seems counter feminist to minimize this show to "unfeminist rhetoric," and by doing so we lose sight of the fact that this show is commenting on some women's lives in a real way. In anycase, I am so thankful for de Beauvoir and Denham for gracing this earth with a raw account of the emotional, mental, and moral roller coster that is female.

All  I want is a Thai Ice Tea, why do I feel like it is made of magic dust that I can never buy? How do you make Thai Ice Tea? One day I will make one (probably not)

The power of technology. Look how long my hair looks. Look how the sun shines on my face. I am always so dainty hanging out in my house. When I get bored, I like to take pictures of myself, throw out the ugly ones, and admire how cute I looked for a second in my final try at a good picture.  I love this time period we live in, when my future children wonder what  I looked like, there will only be evidence that I was not a monster.

Today I also realized that I tend to talk to people like I am always telling a secret. I bought new shoes today, and when I told the girl how cute they were, I said it out of the side of my mouth like it was top secret. The girl just looked at me like some weird talky girl saying something about shoes, which actually is absolutely true.

"I went to my cousins 16th or 17th birthday party, and they were all in strapless dresses, heels, and had their hair done. When I went to a party when I was 16, you were lucky if I wasn't wearing sweats or something."-me. Quoted from my interviews.

also..

I've spent my whole morning waiting for the trash collector to come so I can have a talk about why he wont pick up my trash, and today he decides not to come. Trash guy I got two fists waiting for your face.

I've spent the morning cleaning out my room, old purses, and my book shelf. I came across some photobooth strips from my trip to CA in december. I keep all of these strips in a photo album, so naturally I took the old album out to put them away. Unfortunately, I came across old diary entries and pictures of my ex. It is weird how much love I used to have for this person, and now I have so much disdain for him. It really sucks that at this point I can not look back at those pictures and feel any happiness or even empathy. I so want to take them out and throw them away, but I feel like if I keep them, when I am 50 I might not hate him anymore, or at the very least I can warn my daughter of unavoidable heartache she will encounter. I have officially organized the remains of my life in CA. All photos, awards, letters, souvenirs are taped to the photo album. It is super metaphorical and easy to say that whats left is half an album to fill with my life here, but it's true. I have started collecting other things to tape into the album, hopefully I wont want to burn them in 5 years.  I hope one day I can look back on my past relationship and be happy, but at this point there is only the faint sound of my future self telling me I may regret destroying evidence of my past life.

If I sound dramatic, it is because I have also been reading Simone De Beauvoir's memoir all morning.

May.

My horoscope seems weirdly on point so far. Thank you Susan Miller!


"Your month begins with a full moon in Scorpio (16 degrees) on May 5. Scorpio is a water sign, just like yours, that blends divinely with yours. It appears you will be off on a trip that will take you over many miles"- this is the first day we went to the springs, which was many miles!!! And it felt like the month was beginning!


"You may, alternatively, be discussing a publishing, Internet, or broadcasting project, or one that involves you as a teacher or lecturer. " I just got offered my first sociology course! And I am working on my thesis, which I will eventually publish


"If your birthday falls on March 7, plus or minus five days, this full moon will have your name written on its face. You will benefit in a big way from it, so stay alert. If you have planets at 16 degrees of your natal chart in Pisces, Scorpio, Cancer, Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn, you too will benefit." My bday is March 7th



"Mars can bring out both the people who are on your side and those who are against you. You seem to have been living a very high contrast life, for you've had at least one difficult competitor or detractor in your life, but you also have at least one, and likely more than one, who is solidly on your side and will defend and help you all the way. You may notice this person has come out again in May, after a few months' absence lets take the difficult person first. Someone - an, ex, or detractor - has been relentless in their attacks on you a few months ago..." hmm yes true.


"thankfully, this person is either going to go away, become silent, or legally be asked to leave you alone...If you are a March-born Pisces, prepare to deal with this type of person during June, but by July, this chapter will close, and you won't likely even think about this person any more." oh good.


"On the weekend of May 12-13, we will have what I call your luckiest days of the year, when Jupiter, giver of gifts and luck, will conjoin the mighty Sun, giver of life and strength. This is a once-a-year occasion, and is always marking a very happy time! The weekdays LEADING to this magical day, May 10 and 11, will be mighty special" hurray!


"All year, since last June, you have been working to hone your skills in writing, speaking, teaching, coding, researching, fact checking, public relations, advertising, publicity - you get the idea - for last June that Jupiter, the great benefactor, first entered Taurus and began to help develop your mastery in these disciplines. You may have made progress last year, but Jupiter was retrograde, and only turned direct on December 25. Once you got to 2012, you really began to show your mettle."- true


"Now, on May 12, or the days surrounding this date that I listed above, you will get your reward. It may come as a grand opportunity to do something on a bigger scale than you've ever done, and be thrilled, and or alternatively, it may arrive as a generous check. Either way you'll be excited."


"If you say that all you need to do is to clean out closets and reorganize possessions to clear clutter, buy a new piece of furniture, or order new linens, you can do that too. (MAY 20TH) Your life has been quite career-oriented lately, and now you will get a chance to bring more balance into your life, by focusing on your family and your private life. " true

My mood has been so whack today. One minute I am having a great time with Scott running errands, the next  I am having a weird anxiety attack at dinner. I don't like when I feel anxious, I start to think the worst is happening, like my cat is dead, or I'm gross, or I have cancer and I don't know it. I ran home after dinner, showered, and watched Girls for 2 hours. I feel better, but it literally felt like I had to go home to be okay. I get anxiety around my period, when I am unsure of something, or when everything seems chaotic. I think it must have been my messy car, or the money I don't have, because I felt like I had no control.  Luckily it has passed for now, but I wish I could control these random anxiety bursts.

Also, I miss my girlfriends back home.

Something about me, my nails grow ridiculously fast, like pretty much the speed of light. Second thing, I always lose my nail clippers, so you may be able to imagine the situation that has been going on with my feet. I finally found my clips after many many moons. I always feel like a new woman when I give my nails a clip and some color. I like these nights where I do my nails, wear a face mask, listen to the same Walkmen album over and over, and stare at my clothes to clean my closet out even more. I think I should take these nights more frequently, maybe instead of every few weeks, I should do them every other night. I forget to pluck my eye brows, paint my toes etc, I need these nights to remind myself I am a human, and no humans boyfriend should be subject to kissing a mustache or being scratched by feet claws.

I also started my summer work plan today. I transcribed all morning, went to meetings, and I am about to finish my reading for my summer reading schedule. I like being busy with projects and deadlines. I especially like that I am working on all my projects. I can't tell you how much pleasure I get from transcribing my interviews. It is long, and shitty, but when my ideas and theories are so there, I just get so excited!

The good news is, I am slowly letting go of trying to control everything. I am starting to feel less anxious about things I need and want to do, and am able to see the benefits of focusing on small projects now to add to the overall goals later. That is huge for me. I always want to do everything, and to be able to organize myself and be okay with waiting is really new for me.

Here is my timeline of accomplishments. I need to write them down, before I explode.

Goals


Summer
- transcribe interviews
-reading list
-t.a
-put my class together for fall

fall
-classes
-teach
-write thesis
-put together proposals for conferences/go to conferences

Spring
-teach
-go to conferences
-defend masters thesis
-put together manuscripts for journal publications/send out
-graduate with MA.

Summer
-backpack through Europe
-prepare for PhD program

<3 Also in there, keep up on nails.

We went to the springs today! We went to Ginnie Springs, rented tubs, and floated down the river. I drank wine, and floated/swam with Scott for HOURS. It was so beautiful. We went with Chris, and he met up with a jillion friends, it was so fun! Now I am sun burned and sleepy. Tomorrow night, Scott and I are going camping, ALONE!! I am so excited.

I had another great day.

Breakfast with Collin.

Thrifting in Micanopy*

Milkshakes

Swimming at the springs

Dinner with Scott and Collin

and movies tonight at Collins.

best day.

* I spent 15 dollars and got cute dishes, flowers,  a deer planter, and a cool glass window thing. Success!