I think this is day 17 or 18 that I haven't gotten ready, like not even brush my hair. I am the one who grocery shops and does errands in make up, so this is some sort of revolution happening in my lazy body.

Last night Scott and I stayed up late making video's for this Fred Armisen's serious movie project. I don't think I could ever go into show business, I just get really impatient, hate everything I make, and then watch it over and over. It was fun 'acting' with Scott. Actually, it was also weird. I guess I see why people are into making movies, I am just not one of them, unless its me doing accents with my mac-face-distorter thing.

!!

Today I had a realization, I will probably never have a random job again. Waitressing, retail, respite, NEVER AGAIN. I signed my contract today for my first class I am teaching, and omg I don't ever have to worry about rent, at least in FL, and omg I don't even need student loans. I feel so unbelievably happy knowing from this day on I will (hopefully) never do anything but teach and research sociology. It's like the feeling of never having to take math again, or never having to sell cd's at Christmas.  I  feel like this is a huge step in  the 'adult benchmark' world.  So hurray for me taking one step closer to being an actual living breathing adult.

lists

Things I DONT love.
1. The first day of my period.( today) I feel like the world is ending in my utters. I meant to put uterus, but it corrected it to utters, that works too.

2. Girls who steal your stories and pretend they are theirs.

3. sweating

4. my insatiable appetite for veggie burgers.

5. people who post bad pictures of me, especially when they think they look good. WHAT ARE THEY THINKING!? DO I LOOK LIKE THAT?!

6. working



Things I love

1. my boyfriend, cat, friends, fam, etc you know this.

2. girls obv

3. rainy florida

4. this ice coffee

5.  working

6. organizing my life over and over

GIRLS

Girls was soooo amazing tonight! I cant stand it!! Lena Dunham is forever my hero<3

I signed up for power yoga tomorrow! My university is awesome, they have free gym classes and access for students, I have just been a fat lazy, so tomorrow I am going. I have been feeling graugish all day. I woke up early and worked for 4 hours, and then I got really tired. I did post a new dress on Etsy, and read, but I feel so much like a slacker. I was reading this other blog's advice on time management, and she has so many great suggestions. The blog suggest listing out your priorities and managing them from there, mine are:

My thesis- transcribing, organizing 

My job- grading, selling on Etsy

My self- stay active, eat well, don't waste my own time,

my boyfriend- kiss him and tell him he's great

my friends.- kiss them and tell them they are great

Other projects- the book, blogging, crafts

Its weird, during the semester I am on this so well, but maybe its the humidity, or the last few weeks I've spent working from my couch, either way I need to lock it up and follow through. 

boook?

This morning I sat down to transcribe interviews, and what came out seems like an intro to a really awesome book. I kind of introduced my work in a way that I think most girls would want to read. It's funny, and interesting, and I am starting to get excited to think about possibly turning my masters and dissertation work into a popular feminist/sociology book/memoir.  I also spent my morning looking up independent feminist publishers, and it seems like there is at least 2 or 3 that would be into it. I am obviously going to write it first, but I am excited. I am really really excited! I think working on this book for the next 4 years is going to be fun and good for me. Plus by the time its ready, I will be a PhD, so I am probably right.

Karin can check my grammar and spelling?

<3

I have been feeling really mixed up lately, and I have been putting a lot of unnecessary energy into people who have/are hurting me. I need to let them go. I need to let anything that points to that situation go. Part of growing up I think might be being okay with peoples shitty behavior, and not internalizing it. Neither one I am doing well, but I am trying!  

I also need to stop counting twitter as human interaction. Its not, it just makes me sad, and not work.  This morning I deleted my twitter. I am going to cut back on internet and focus more on my work, my bf, and my friends. 

I get so lost in my emotions that I forget that I am actually a flesh and blood human that people interact with. When I lose sight of who I am, the things I am doing, and where I am going, I start dwelling on the past and on others lack of empathy. Geez  I could lay in my bed for days thinking about empathy, but it would make me sink and sick. 

 I need to work on not caring about others actions and lives, and focus on my own, at least right now. I know this seems contradictory since my life motto is BE EMPATHETIC, ASSHOLE, but it's true. Maybe if I could walk around with my head up my own ass, my 'self' would be a lot more safe, and what others do wouldn't have so much barring on how my days is. I don't know, I am going to work on it, so we will see what happens.

So, I am singing this with Scott at a Queen tribute night thursday. I am trying to learn this right now, and I am drunk. I've never heard so many woooords in my liiife.

art.

Love this. It reminds me of Scottypoop (and me!).

Guys, I just spent 12 dollars on animal nail stickers. Priorities.

ladies

Here is a photo list of my favorite ladies...inspired by Kristen Wiig leaving SNL.

1. Kristen Wiig.

2. Lena Dunham

3. Beyonce

4. JLew

5. Tina Fey

6. Mindy Kaling

7. Zooey D.

8. Bell Hooks

9. Jessica Valenti

10.Simone

11. Melissa M.

12. DK

13. Flo

drunkgirls.

1.  I woke up before 10! Hurray. Now I am working. I love how that works.

2.

3. Girls was so good last night. What is up with Adam!!? Ugh

4. Kyle and I drank champagne and watched it last night. We decided that's our new thang. Hurray, I don't have to watch it with just my cat. I need to re-watch it. I was druuunk the whole time.

5. I sold my first dress on Etsy! $25 dollars closer to a NY ticket.

6. Look at my collar. I like it. Thanks bye.

<3

lazyfordazies

Last night Taylor and I ate $50 worth of sushi and chinese food, drank sangria, watched Girls, and played with a puppy and some kitties she is fostering. The only thing that would have topped that night off would have been nail polish and shitty magazines. I am doing the same thing tonight (haha) with my friend Kyle. I am going to have seen this show so many times that  I will memorize all the lines. I can act it out like a play.

Today is the 2nd.... wow beginning of 3rd week in a row that I have slept till 11:30. I don't like it. I don't feel productive. Yesterday I did actually wake up early, on accident, and did yes get more work done. I just want to sleep all the time though! Its so conflicting! Especially when you are dreaming that you are an SNL cast member. Now I am back to grading papers (I have to pay my rent!)  I suppose it is better to be busy, answering to someone other than myself, that usually makes me get stuff done. I wish I could look at myself like this other person who is demanding I get my own work done.  Tomorrow I will wake up early. It's Monday! Its like a fresh start! I have a list on my counter, in big black sharpie, of things I need to do. Next week THEY WILL BE DONE...hopefully.


Also, I think I should start categorizing posts. What should this one be called?  Rando's? borings? idk. bye.

grrrls.

As you may have been able to see, there are three things I have been obsessed with lately.
1. Girls
2. Being a girl
3. Robyn's " Dancing on my own"

I wish to make this blog about my experience with number 2, because after watching number 1, reading blogs on my own, and interviewing many many MANY women, I feel I have something to say. I am happy that there seems to be this crazy emergence of depicting and valuing the 20-something experience and all of its crazy ups and downs in realistic ways. I am the first to share an embarrassing, hard, or awesome story in the hopes that someone else can connect, identify, or learn from it,  I know I enjoy it. After reading and watching some of my female heros, I think it is important for me to document my real/honest/raw(gross) feelings, if not for others, then at least for me.

I am feeling much better. I video chatted with some old and great friends of mine ( who I miss!) and went out. I can get so lost in my head sometimes, that it really is essential to have people that can help pull me out of it. I am also probably getting my period, which would explain the crying into the phone.

I love them.

It is hard to describe how unbelievably empty I can feel when I don't have close friends around. I have recently been super down because I feel like, besides Scott and a few of his guy friends, I do not have anyone close to laugh and girltalk with. I really miss my girlfriends, it's so clear why and how girl best friends are so important for a healthy sense of self. I just cried to myself walking home from the coffee shop. I walked through the farmers market, full of smiling best friends, or maybe just people, but I could not enjoy it. Half way home I called Pappas, and just let it all out. It felt like a tidal wave, and so relieving to connect/ hear a voice that  I love so dearly. I need to call everyone more, I am beginning to feel invisible and irrelevant.  I am also sad because I haven't found a close girlfriend in Gainesville, it is so hard! It is probably me, but I just wish I didn't have to put all the effort into it. I want to walk into a group of girls and just have that connection, the "where have you been all my life," I know that has to exist! At least Sara and Holli will be here in a month!

The feelings that come up when you read or watch someone you so readily admire and relate to, are really interesting. I realize today that my female heros are women who so honestly depict their experience, that consequently mirror my own experiences. I've started reading Simone de Beauvoir's memoirs; she writes about her emotional experiences growing older, self discovery, and her relationship to her family and the world around her. Literally every page, my mouth is hanging open with astonishment at her ability to so profoundly write about the cognitive development and experience of growing up female. She is amazing at depicting the anxiety, enjoyment, and disappointment of existing and changing at the same time. As an academic, I feel her experiences so greatly mirror mine, that it is almost like reading a play about my emotional life. I never want the book to end, because the satisfaction I get from reading about another woman with same experience is amazing.

 I also just finished an episode of Girls, and I am so overwhelmed with appreciation for Lena Dunham to have created a show that so honestly depicts the weirdness of being in your 20's, of all the mistakes, and the often contradictory life  experiences that occur in lieu of one's moral self.  I read somewhere that some feminists (which is a title I stand by) are commenting on how in the last episode, all the women used sex to gain power,  however I didn't see that (only after reading their comments did I slightly see).  I think so often people try to analyze or claim meaning to an experience or show or book within the context of some absolute essentialist manner, "this is not feminist because... " "All the women are using sex b/c, " rather than commenting on the fact that maybe this is an actual account into the often muddy grey zone young women find themselves in. We can't always keep our guard up, eagerly playing out the moral code of feminism, or some religion, or at least political correctness, women  and life are much more complex then that, and the second we try to essentialize the experience, we lose the point. To me it seems counter feminist to minimize this show to "unfeminist rhetoric," and by doing so we lose sight of the fact that this show is commenting on some women's lives in a real way. In anycase, I am so thankful for de Beauvoir and Denham for gracing this earth with a raw account of the emotional, mental, and moral roller coster that is female.

All  I want is a Thai Ice Tea, why do I feel like it is made of magic dust that I can never buy? How do you make Thai Ice Tea? One day I will make one (probably not)

The power of technology. Look how long my hair looks. Look how the sun shines on my face. I am always so dainty hanging out in my house. When I get bored, I like to take pictures of myself, throw out the ugly ones, and admire how cute I looked for a second in my final try at a good picture.  I love this time period we live in, when my future children wonder what  I looked like, there will only be evidence that I was not a monster.

Today I also realized that I tend to talk to people like I am always telling a secret. I bought new shoes today, and when I told the girl how cute they were, I said it out of the side of my mouth like it was top secret. The girl just looked at me like some weird talky girl saying something about shoes, which actually is absolutely true.

"I went to my cousins 16th or 17th birthday party, and they were all in strapless dresses, heels, and had their hair done. When I went to a party when I was 16, you were lucky if I wasn't wearing sweats or something."-me. Quoted from my interviews.

also..

I've spent my whole morning waiting for the trash collector to come so I can have a talk about why he wont pick up my trash, and today he decides not to come. Trash guy I got two fists waiting for your face.

I've spent the morning cleaning out my room, old purses, and my book shelf. I came across some photobooth strips from my trip to CA in december. I keep all of these strips in a photo album, so naturally I took the old album out to put them away. Unfortunately, I came across old diary entries and pictures of my ex. It is weird how much love I used to have for this person, and now I have so much disdain for him. It really sucks that at this point I can not look back at those pictures and feel any happiness or even empathy. I so want to take them out and throw them away, but I feel like if I keep them, when I am 50 I might not hate him anymore, or at the very least I can warn my daughter of unavoidable heartache she will encounter. I have officially organized the remains of my life in CA. All photos, awards, letters, souvenirs are taped to the photo album. It is super metaphorical and easy to say that whats left is half an album to fill with my life here, but it's true. I have started collecting other things to tape into the album, hopefully I wont want to burn them in 5 years.  I hope one day I can look back on my past relationship and be happy, but at this point there is only the faint sound of my future self telling me I may regret destroying evidence of my past life.

If I sound dramatic, it is because I have also been reading Simone De Beauvoir's memoir all morning.

May.

My horoscope seems weirdly on point so far. Thank you Susan Miller!


"Your month begins with a full moon in Scorpio (16 degrees) on May 5. Scorpio is a water sign, just like yours, that blends divinely with yours. It appears you will be off on a trip that will take you over many miles"- this is the first day we went to the springs, which was many miles!!! And it felt like the month was beginning!


"You may, alternatively, be discussing a publishing, Internet, or broadcasting project, or one that involves you as a teacher or lecturer. " I just got offered my first sociology course! And I am working on my thesis, which I will eventually publish


"If your birthday falls on March 7, plus or minus five days, this full moon will have your name written on its face. You will benefit in a big way from it, so stay alert. If you have planets at 16 degrees of your natal chart in Pisces, Scorpio, Cancer, Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn, you too will benefit." My bday is March 7th



"Mars can bring out both the people who are on your side and those who are against you. You seem to have been living a very high contrast life, for you've had at least one difficult competitor or detractor in your life, but you also have at least one, and likely more than one, who is solidly on your side and will defend and help you all the way. You may notice this person has come out again in May, after a few months' absence lets take the difficult person first. Someone - an, ex, or detractor - has been relentless in their attacks on you a few months ago..." hmm yes true.


"thankfully, this person is either going to go away, become silent, or legally be asked to leave you alone...If you are a March-born Pisces, prepare to deal with this type of person during June, but by July, this chapter will close, and you won't likely even think about this person any more." oh good.


"On the weekend of May 12-13, we will have what I call your luckiest days of the year, when Jupiter, giver of gifts and luck, will conjoin the mighty Sun, giver of life and strength. This is a once-a-year occasion, and is always marking a very happy time! The weekdays LEADING to this magical day, May 10 and 11, will be mighty special" hurray!


"All year, since last June, you have been working to hone your skills in writing, speaking, teaching, coding, researching, fact checking, public relations, advertising, publicity - you get the idea - for last June that Jupiter, the great benefactor, first entered Taurus and began to help develop your mastery in these disciplines. You may have made progress last year, but Jupiter was retrograde, and only turned direct on December 25. Once you got to 2012, you really began to show your mettle."- true


"Now, on May 12, or the days surrounding this date that I listed above, you will get your reward. It may come as a grand opportunity to do something on a bigger scale than you've ever done, and be thrilled, and or alternatively, it may arrive as a generous check. Either way you'll be excited."


"If you say that all you need to do is to clean out closets and reorganize possessions to clear clutter, buy a new piece of furniture, or order new linens, you can do that too. (MAY 20TH) Your life has been quite career-oriented lately, and now you will get a chance to bring more balance into your life, by focusing on your family and your private life. " true

My mood has been so whack today. One minute I am having a great time with Scott running errands, the next  I am having a weird anxiety attack at dinner. I don't like when I feel anxious, I start to think the worst is happening, like my cat is dead, or I'm gross, or I have cancer and I don't know it. I ran home after dinner, showered, and watched Girls for 2 hours. I feel better, but it literally felt like I had to go home to be okay. I get anxiety around my period, when I am unsure of something, or when everything seems chaotic. I think it must have been my messy car, or the money I don't have, because I felt like I had no control.  Luckily it has passed for now, but I wish I could control these random anxiety bursts.

Also, I miss my girlfriends back home.

Something about me, my nails grow ridiculously fast, like pretty much the speed of light. Second thing, I always lose my nail clippers, so you may be able to imagine the situation that has been going on with my feet. I finally found my clips after many many moons. I always feel like a new woman when I give my nails a clip and some color. I like these nights where I do my nails, wear a face mask, listen to the same Walkmen album over and over, and stare at my clothes to clean my closet out even more. I think I should take these nights more frequently, maybe instead of every few weeks, I should do them every other night. I forget to pluck my eye brows, paint my toes etc, I need these nights to remind myself I am a human, and no humans boyfriend should be subject to kissing a mustache or being scratched by feet claws.

I also started my summer work plan today. I transcribed all morning, went to meetings, and I am about to finish my reading for my summer reading schedule. I like being busy with projects and deadlines. I especially like that I am working on all my projects. I can't tell you how much pleasure I get from transcribing my interviews. It is long, and shitty, but when my ideas and theories are so there, I just get so excited!

The good news is, I am slowly letting go of trying to control everything. I am starting to feel less anxious about things I need and want to do, and am able to see the benefits of focusing on small projects now to add to the overall goals later. That is huge for me. I always want to do everything, and to be able to organize myself and be okay with waiting is really new for me.

Here is my timeline of accomplishments. I need to write them down, before I explode.

Goals


Summer
- transcribe interviews
-reading list
-t.a
-put my class together for fall

fall
-classes
-teach
-write thesis
-put together proposals for conferences/go to conferences

Spring
-teach
-go to conferences
-defend masters thesis
-put together manuscripts for journal publications/send out
-graduate with MA.

Summer
-backpack through Europe
-prepare for PhD program

<3 Also in there, keep up on nails.

We went to the springs today! We went to Ginnie Springs, rented tubs, and floated down the river. I drank wine, and floated/swam with Scott for HOURS. It was so beautiful. We went with Chris, and he met up with a jillion friends, it was so fun! Now I am sun burned and sleepy. Tomorrow night, Scott and I are going camping, ALONE!! I am so excited.

I had another great day.

Breakfast with Collin.

Thrifting in Micanopy*

Milkshakes

Swimming at the springs

Dinner with Scott and Collin

and movies tonight at Collins.

best day.

* I spent 15 dollars and got cute dishes, flowers,  a deer planter, and a cool glass window thing. Success!

ok first of all, these:

These are pictures Kerry sent me of my dad, in a play, at temple! This was the best email, ever.

Last night I went out for drinks at The Midnight, a nice little bar a couple blocks from my house. I played trivia with some friends and vets (not vietnam, veterinarians) and had so much fun! But, apparently last night was something called Gator Stomp. Now for all you non-florida non-country folk, that means that thousands of undergrads ( with fake ids) take a trip downtown to get drunk at all the fun bars for half the price or free or something. I saw a fight between a goth and a frat boy,  and a frat boy drinking fertilizer water. Real fun stuff.

I guess I should explain Gainesville. There is University street/ave?, which is where the school is located. On this street are bars and resturants where jocks, frat dudes, sorority girls, and clueless undergrads hang out. Most of these people live on the west side of campus in shitty apartments next to chain restaurants and stores. The east side, downtown, is where I live. These are old country houses, brick buildings, and you know cute architecture. The Downtown night life is a few blocks from university night life, and on any given night you may see a familiar scene from Portlandia, Reality Bites, or Where the Wild Things are. Hipsters! Local cafes and restaurants! twinkle lights! fun bars! live music! fun people! and probably some clueless idiots! SOOO, Gator Stomp brings the university people to downtown, and shows off downtown like it is a tourist attraction. On such a night you see thousands of drunk white kids in matching t-shirts saying things like, "oh that guy is a fag," or "this is interesting," or "hey who wants to fight."

Anyway, so that was last night. In the midst of my worst nightmare, I actually had a great time. Scott was drunk, which is always fun, because he is the kind of drunk who tells you how much he loves you. Last night, he loooooooved me sooo much. I literally have never experienced someone actually in-love with me this much. And what is awesome is I love him that much too! It's weird. I never thought I could find someone who would be able to give me what I need, and he does! I never felt so solid and comfortable in a relationship. I am never paranoid that he will date my bestfriend, or cheat on me, or anything like that. And! hes sooooo hot! How did I get him?

Moral of the story, stay home for Gator Stomp, or don't.

Let us all stop and enjoy this DONUT DRESS!! I am buying<333

I just finished Mindy Kaling's book in 2 days. I want to write a hilarious memoir similar to Kaling or Fey. Although, reading their gross childhood stories, awkward college years stories, and  success stories, makes me feel like mine is irrelavnt. They already covered all my secrets that would be so book worthy. Plus, who cares about me? I don't even care. ( just kidding I reread this blog everyday, laughing with myself) I could do so much for memoir readers of earth, like who wouldn't want to read about a jewish-california-suburbs girl making Barbie magazines for her crushes? Who wouldn't want to read about a fatty 11 year old putting together a production of Grease 2, so her crushes would like her? Noone you say? I don't believe you. One of these days I'll do it.  In the mean time I guess I will start writing these amazing soon-to-be chapters down in my brain/diary/blog.

In other news, I found out I am teaching my very own sociology class in the fall. ALONE. All me. Its mine. They count on me for sociology knowledge. I am so excited. I am so excited that I spent my day off making up my class syllabus. I am fun.  I am especially excited that these are freshman kids, because I get to teach them about the meaning of life, about gender! and race! and everything else that will open their mind. They will love me like the teacher from Summerschool. I am going to be the cool teacher that changes their life forever. They will spend their nights googling me to find my facebook or anything to know me a little better. I know future students, I am great. I hope.

Also, I am singing tonight with Scott. What a life I live! Playing shows, teaching college, doing MY research, living in my own house, kissing the boy of my dreams. What did I do to deserve this? Maybe all that stress and hardwork actually does pay off.

I know I seem really amazing right now, but you should know, I did actually have a shitty day, kind of. Scott and I went to the beach yesterday ( not shitty) We went thrifting, drank a milkshake, swam, read, kissed, got sun burned. But then, as we were wading through high tide to get to stairs ( that were underwater...the tide was high!) I tripped and cute my foot open!!! It was gushy and bloody and sad. It hurt so bad! I thought it was the end my life. Scott cleaned it up and I was fine, but as I walked to my car with my bloody foot, all I could say in my head was " may this be the worst of it." Of course this was in my yiddish fiddler on the roof voice. Please God! let that be the worst of it. I don't want my fun life to end.

that is all.