ok

I am feeling much better. I have CLEANED a lot today. I feel more in control of my personal space. .

Today I cleaned out my car, first time in a year. I did 4 loads of laundry, hurray! I am about to go to the grocery store, food! And I am going to grade and do some crafting tonight. Sometimes I have to frantically clean, organize, AND BE ALONE,  to feel ok. And thats ok.

Also, I got into that conferences! Yay me.

the angriest post of them all.

I am throwing a fit because I forgot that sometimes learning life lessons SUCKS.

First of all, last night was awesome. We played a great show. After,  I had people over at my house, and we order pizza. I am not a neat freak or anything, BUT I do follow the logic that you treat others houses how you would want someone to treat your own. This  drunk girl, that I am acquaintances with laid on my couch and dropped pizza all over, didn't tell me or clean it up, and when she left I found pizza all over my couch, and her greasy paper towel in the cushion. Ok. How old are we? I am not her mom, I am not some 18 year old idiot, I am an adult with nice things, and I get so frustrated when people are so clueless.  This other guy got ashes all over my floor, and put his shoes on my couch. WHAT WORLD IS THIS. So fucking pissed.

I think the lesson I am slowly learning, is that I am tired of being everyones mom. Of taking care of them. Of cleaning up after peoples actual and emotional messes. I just don't want to. I now know I am never letting certain people or people i don't know into my personal space. It makes me anxious and mad.

Second.  I am again learning that I can't hold anyone, not even my "closest friends" to my expectations. Why do I invest in anyone, if they will always let me down? If you suck, then I am over you.

k.

I am feeling really good today, and I will now tell you why:

1. I have been working on this submission for a conference. I finished it yesterday, but I have been feeling a bit insecure about it. I wasn't sure if it was good or not, obviously that is why I was insecure. I showed it to one of my committee members/mentor and he said it was perfect, and great, and he loves me. Well the first two are true. I always doubt my work, but then it is always better than I think! So that is awesome.

2. I submitted it! I will find out soon if I am accepted! Fingers crossed.

3. I had my other committee member/department chair/ mentor come evaluate the class I teach. I was so nervous, and the students threw some tough questions out I was not expecting. I didn't get to see her after the class let out but she sent me this

 "I thought you were amazing!  You are one of the best discussion facilitators I've seen!  What that means to me is that you were able to take their comments and pull out the aspects that contributed to the larger discussion.  It also means that you were asking good questions.  You had very effective responses to some of the more "off target" (wrong) comments.  You gently pointed out what was wrong about the answer and leaving their self concept intact.  The number of students who participated was really large.  This suggests that they feel comfortable commenting -- they're not worried about you or their classmates jumping on them.  You also have a nice sense of humor that came through at appropriate places.  I loved your class!  It went by really fast! "

OMG RIGHT!

4.  I just sent one of my idols a link to my Girl Land blog, and asked her to review it. A little ballsy, but hey I am feeling real good!

So you can see why I am feeling good today! Hurray for me! I should read my horoscope and see whats up.

shmessons

There are a few lessons that I continue to learn.
1. Stop having expectations of others, they can never meet them.
2. Whenever you feel mature and "passed it," you're not. You( I) are still naive, learning, and lost.
3. Getting older is always better.
4. Never forget that you are always probably going through a phase.
5. Everything you want you can have, you just have to get out of your way.

Being drunk is so fun on the internet. Also, I made pumpkin spice cookies. Drunk.

love it.

Sometimes it feels like everything is on the verge of colapsing. I sit in my bed and think, "how can I sustain it all?!" Even though I have been doing this for over a year now, I still worry as to how I can ever possibly do all this work by its deadline. But somehow it gets done, and I don't die, or get kicked out of school. Especially this semester, with way more responsibility, I constantly feel like I am about to fall off a cliff into a sea of my worst fears. Something will go wrong, out of my control, and I will be kicked out of school. This is so unbelievably irrational. I work so hard, and get shit done, but I always fear that I am one step away from dropping the ball. If I could have some wishes, one would be for all of this anxiety and fear to be gone and I would just float around like a phat no worry princess.

hurrah

I got my period. I got my period while I was eating fudge off my finger, telling my cat not to judge me. Such a craaaazy world.

Merr

Today was sooo whack. I think I am getting my period, fingers crossed.My go-to signs:
I...
A. feel depressed
B. feel paranoid
C. feel like my brain is mush.

My brain is probs mush from all this work anyway. I am like swimming in work, and I am in the middle of the big phat ;) ocean. I am going to chalk it up to, "one of those days." Tomorrow will be better, right? Maybe it is because I lectured on Marx this morning with NO caffeine, or because I helped Scott move, or because I took the wrong credits, and now I wont have my masters till after summer, whatevs it maybe, this day can SUCK IT.

bye.